It's Been Awhile
by Jenny7
Summary: You guys remember Shep? This is my interpretation of what might have happened to him after he and Carol broke up.


"It's Been Awhile"   
  
Disclaimer: I don't own 'em. I also don't own the song "Its Been Awhile". Staind does. I just thought it went well with the story.  
Authors Note: I watched "John Carter M.D." today and was inspired to write this story about one of my favorite past characters on the show, Shep.   
  
  
  
  
~1996~  
  
  
He sat defeated in the drivers seat of the run down pick-up truck. Eyes turned down to look at his hands, bruised and bloody from the fight earlier. The guy deserved it. He'd stepped in front of his truck at a green light.   
  
'Should have run him over, stupid guy. Next time maybe he'll wait until the walk signal comes back on.'   
  
How dare she tell him he was crazy? He wasn't the crazy one. The world was crazy. The people who didn't obey traffic laws or got in the way when someone was trying to do their job. Those were the people that needed to see shrinks.   
  
'I don't have a problem.'  
  
His senses perked up as a dark haired woman in a winter jacket walked towards the hospital entrance. The hood of her coat covered her face and most of her head, but a few strands of curly dark hair were visible at the edges. Ignoring every impulse to run up to her and beg, he sighed as she entered the automatic doors. Staring down at the clock on his radio he blinked once. Time to go. He was not wanted here anymore.   
  
  
  
~Six Years Later- 2002~   
  
  
The automatic doors opened to reveal a new man. No one noticed him at first. The ER was busy and the phones were ringing off the hook. As he approached the desk he looked around. No one was there. Especially not the nurse he had been looking for. He looked up and noticed that the board was completely full. There was a few names he recalled, but most were new to him.   
  
The ringing of the phones brought him out of his reminiscing and once again he looked around.  
"Anybody here? Um...your phones ringing." But of course nobody answered. Shrugging, he reached over and picked the phone up.   
"Uh...ER." He said. His eyebrows raised as he listened to the voice on the other line.  
"OK, um, you need to get him here right away. Did you call an ambulance? OK you need to hang up, call an ambulance, and cover him with a blanket to keep him from going into shock. Yea sure." He set the phone back down and loosened his collar.   
  
He was startled by yet another phone call.  
  
"Doesn't anybody answer the phones around here?"   
"Yea that's me. Excuse me." A burly man with a scruffy voice nudged his way to the phone and picked it up.   
  
Turning around, he nervously pulled at his jeans and looked around. Looking down the hallway he noticed nurses and doctors frantically pushing a gurney into a trauma room and shouting orders left and right.   
"At least some things never change."   
"Excuse me sir? Can I help..." He turned just in time to find himself face to face with a familiar blonde doctor. "Shep? Is that you?"   
"Dr. Lewis, your looking well." She smiled and nodded her head once.  
"So are you. What are you doing back here? I thought you took a job in California." He smiled and nodded his head.  
"I did. I missed the blizzards and below zero temperatures too much." He smirked and Susan laughed.   
"Oh I wish I got the chance to miss them! Are you working in Chicago again?" He cleared his throat nervously.  
"Uh, not yet no. I was actually hoping to talk to Carol. Do you know where I could find her?" Susan looked confused for a moment.  
"Carol Hathoway?" Shep smiled.  
"Is there any other? I checked at her old place but I guess she moved. Its really important that I talk to her."   
"Shep, Carol moved to Seattle a couple years ago." Susan looked empathetic. Shep was just shocked.   
"Seattle? Wow, I had not idea." He blinked a few times and sighed.   
"Yea, um listen I have to get back to work but I can try to find Mark for you. I know he still talks to her. He might have her number." Shep brightened up a bit.  
"That would be great." Susan smiled and headed back towards an exam room. "Hey Susan!" She turned. "Thanks".   
"Your welcome." She replied and walked away.   
  
Running his hand through his hair nervously, he went back to leaning against a nearby wall. He'd waited too long. It was too late. He'd lost the one woman he'd ever loved. He should have known that she would have someone better by now.   
  
Suddenly the ambulance bay doors burst open and a group of paramedics burst through with a gurney. They shouted orders left and right and were met by a tall lanky doctor. Shep squinted and looked closer.   
"Carter?" He said to himself. Things really had changed. Tilting his head in curiosity, he followed behind the gurney and stood outside the doors of trauma two. He smiled as he recognized one paramedic as Doris Pickman, an old friend.   
He was startled as a young woman pushed past him with a quick "excuse me". She joined Carter and the other nurses and he listened in.   
  
"....Abby get a blood gas and pressure. Gallant how's that IV coming?"   
"In." The young man replied as he taped the line to the patients skin.   
"Great. Where's the O neg Chuny?" Carter seemed to be giving the orders, a huge change from six years before.   
"Right here!" The familiar woman announced and placed the blood on the stand. Suddenly the monitor began beeping and the group panicked. "He's in V-fib Dr. Carter!"   
"Paddles!" The short haired woman he called Abby handed him the paddles. "Charge to thirty." Chuny charged the machine and the rhythm returned after the first shock.   
  
  
Shep sighed with relief. He'd forgotten how intense things could get in a trauma room. He hadn't been in one since he'd left Chicago.   
  
"Shep?" He turned and saw Kerry Weaver standing before him.   
"Hey Dr. Weaver. Um, I was just..." She smiled and he knew he was off the hook.  
"Watching? I'd think you'd be bored by this, since you do see it everyday. May I ask why your back in Chicago?" She began walking towards the desk and he followed her.   
"Oh, well I'm actually moving back here. Thought I'm come see the old gang again, although it seems most of the gang is new." She went behind the desk and erased a name from the board.   
"Well we do have a lot of new faces. I'm sorry to hear California didn't work out for you."   
"I wouldn't say that."   
"Oh?" She turned and cocked her head. He mentally slapped himself. He hadn't intended on getting into this.   
"Well, I just meant the weather. Do you know the sun actually comes out everyday in some places? I was amazed." Lie. He'd promised himself he'd be truthful. Damn.   
"I've heard as much." She smiled, but it wasn't in amusement. "You know, if your looking for Carol she's not around anymore." Leaning on the counter he ran his fingers through his hair.   
"Yea Dr. Lewis told me already. Seattle. Never knew Carol liked the rain so much."   
"Well I think it was Doug Ross who helped her with that decision." Kerry explained as she picked up another chart.   
"Doug Ross?" Shep looked wide-eyed at her. Kerry adjusted her glasses.  
"Yes. I'm sorry, you didn't know did you? Carol and Doug are married now." Shep felt his heart shatter.   
"Really? Good. I mean, good for Carol. Doug's a good guy. He is a good guy right?" Shep stumbled over his words and Kerry smirked.  
"Doug isn't as bad he pretends to be." She picked up another chart and moved to leave. "I have to get back to my patients now but it was nice talking to you Shep. Oh, and I'm glad that your back in Chicago. I hope to see you back in a rig soon." Then she walked off.  
  
Shep closed his eyes and laid his head on the counter. Tempted to bang it against the surface for being so stupid, he quickly stopped himself. He'd known from the moment he got on the plane that Carol would never take him back. Not after the way he'd acted.   
Suddenly seeing things much clearer, Shep turned and headed out the ambulance bay. He was halfway out of the lot when he heard someone calling his name. Turning, he saw Mark Greene running to catch up with him.  
"Hey Shep, Susan said you needed to talk to Carol. I have her phone number. I'm sure she'd like to hear from you." He placed a scrap of paper into his hand. Shep just looked at the paper for a moment before closing his fingers around it.   
"Thanks Dr. Greene. I appreciate it." He turned to walk away but was stopped again by Mark's hand.   
"I'm glad to see you back to your old self Shep." His eyes widened at the comment. "We were all a little worried about you after Raul died." He lowered his gaze at the mention of his old friend. Looking up again, he made a decision. Giving the paper back to Mark, he smiled.   
"Tell her thank you for being honest with me, even if I didn't want to believe her at the time. And that I just want her to be happy. She deserves it." He shook Mark's hand once and turned towards the street. "I'll see you around Dr. Greene!"   
  
Mark smiled and tossed the paper into the dumpster. "See you around Shep."   
  
  
It's been awhile, since I could   
Hold my head high   
It's been awhile since I first saw you   
It's been a while since I could stand   
On my own two feet again   
It's been awhile since I could call you   
  
But everything I can't remember   
As f**ked up as it all may seem   
The consequences that I've rendered   
I've stretched myself beyond my means   
  
It's been awhile since I could say   
That I wasn't addicted   
It's been a while since I could say   
I love myself as well   
It's been awhile since I've gone and f**ked things up   
Just like I always do   
But all that sh*t seems to disappear   
When I'm with you   
  
But everything I can't remember   
As f**ked up as it all may seem   
  
The consequences that I've rendered   
I've gone and f**ked things up again.   
  
Why must I feel this way   
Just make this go away   
Just one more peaceful day   
  
It's been awhile since I could   
Look at myself straight   
It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry   
It's been awhile since I've seen the way   
the candles light your face   
But I can still remember   
Just the way you taste   
  
But everything I can't remember   
As f**ked up as it all may seem to be   
I know it's me   
I cannot blame this on my father   
He did the best he could for me   
  
It's been awhile since I could   
Hold my head up high   
And It's been awhile since I said I'm sorry...   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
THE END 


End file.
